In the Middle
Me, in the Middle
I was the friend in the middle. Everything about me was in the middle.
I had friends who were prettier, much more glamorous, had a much better wardrobe, carried designer purses, lived out in the county verses the city, and overall seemed to have it going on in my eyes. I also had friends who thought my 1930 house was so nice, who didn’t mind my hand-me-downs, and made me feel like I had it going on. I wasn’t doing great, but I wasn’t doing bad. I was right in the middle. And I was good with that for a long time.
Looking for Safety in the Middle
The middle was a safe zone, and I could really hide out there; I was comfortable. Since I wasn’t one of the outliers that drew eyes, I could blend in. For example, if we were going out on the town, nothing I wore would be designer, but I could blend in well enough to pass. And when life was happening and finances were a mess, I could normally manage my affairs so that I could continue “in the middle.” For example, I’d have just enough to go out and then pretend I wasn’t that hungry when the truth was, I didn’t have the money. I just wanted to be there- whether I could eat or not.
I laughed a lot on the outside, but inside I had a pit in my stomach. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t pinpoint it. Good thing I was in the middle, because if someone looked into my eyes, they would know something was wrong. If they could read my mind, they’d think I was crazy. My mind was always racing.
Struggling to Stay in The Middle
The fact of the matter is I didn’t understand basic financial principles- I mean the part beyond adding and subtracting. No one ever taught me, and it wasn’t intuitive.
On the surface, I looked like I was good and most times I felt like I was good. Ignorance was bliss. But in 2017, I took the value of the things I owned (truly owned, paid in full) and subtracted what I had borrowed on credit and was still paying for (cars, college, mortgage, jewelry, furniture, etc.), and it came out to a negative number. I had a negative net worth. I was broke.
If something happened to me, those unpaid possessions belonged to creditors- who could take them back, or take something else in exchange, or take them from my family if I were to pass. I wasn’t okay. I may not have been what we would call poor, but I was in poverty- both in mindset and in my financial situation.
Stepping Out of the Middle
Now, I don’t want to hide out in the middle- trying to blend in. Truth is, on either side of me, these friends were also holding to their roles and keeping up appearances. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the normal was (and still is) to look normal, at all costs.
As a result, many of us live broke, die broke, but spend our lives acting like we aren’t broke.
I’m stepping out of the middle. It’s scary and super uncomfortable. But I have been called to be courageous, to be light and life. I’ve seen myself in the eyes of many dozens of women- hiding in the middle- who have yet to realize their truth worth and I want to help.
It’s okay to step out of the middle. What will you step into?
